Toasted, with butter— free with food, and life.

I bought my first hot cross buns of the season last week (I didn’t bake these ones, sorry homesteader friends). 

I remember the first time I made hot cross buns. It was my first Easter after moving to the USA when Erik and I were first together. I was an annoying vegan then (not now, thank God) and so I made vegan hot cross buns. Long story short— they sucked. They were as dry as an Arizona summer. 

I’ll give them another crack— this time with the hearty ingredients in tact. You know, real butter. The bakeries here do them soooooo well and so it’s hard not to be lazy and just buy them. 

So, I bought the traditional ones first— fruit ones, with a fancy organic flour (can’t help it). 

Then I bought some of my favourite flavour combo ever (aside from choc honeycomb), and that is choc orange. It’s only since I crossed over into my 30’s did I mix orange and chocolate. Jazz music, tennis, orange and chocolate— it’s all part of the same rite of passage. 

My kids love hot cross buns. I mean, who doesn’t? They are basically just fruit toast made into a bun, but for some reason we ignore that and celebrate them as if they’re truly a once-a-year thing. I’m happy to play along. 

This isn’t a post about how good hot cross buns are, by the way. I have a story and a message. 

The other day, I opened them up and buttered one each for my kids. Then, I did something that quite literally surprised me. 

I did something I haven’t done since I was a young adult, engulfed in major disordered eating.

I pulled the freshly baked set of 6 hot cross buns out of the bag, pulled them apart and starting picking at those pieces of interconnecting bun. 

You know that thin sheath of bread that rips off when you pull them apart? 

That. 

I used to always do that at the height of my disordered eating when mum would buy bread rolls. I wouldn’t want to eat a whole bun, so I’d eat the interconnecting bun sheath. 

I had many weird tics in the height of this time. I’d lick the flavour off things, I’d bite just the head of Chico lollies, I’d pick the sultanas out of the Sultana Bran and then go to the shops to buy a replacement bag of sultanas so mum’s morning cereal didn’t taste like cardboard (side note: she wouldn’t eat that now. This was way back then when we all thought cereal was a good breakfast). I’d do things like get a knife and scrape the inside out of the donut, knowing full well that by doing that to all six of them, I’d eaten the equivalent of a whole one. 

I’d do anything to eat a whole one without eating a whole one.

I know as a millennial woman, I’m not alone in having experienced these kind of behaviours and I’d be lying If I said that these kinds of tics is where it ended for me. I lived trapped in food obsession, exercise obsession and all that goes along with it. I thank God I live a freedom with food and exercise now that I never thought possible back then. 

But the other day it was like a memory unlocked in me as I opened the bag. I went straight for the sheath. 

That thin, raspy ‘I dare not eat the fleshy bit’ sheath. 

I noticed what was happening and said out loud ‘Oh, nuh uh.’ NUH UH!! No way.

As direct as my ‘nuh uh’ was, it wasn’t condemning, it was loving. 

It was a loving little ‘hey, you don’t do that anymore.’ 

Instead, I got the hot cross bun, put it in the toaster and when I took it out, I put butter on it. 

Toasted, with butter. 

One of the food rules in our home is “If you’re going to eat it, enjoy it.” Sometimes as parents we can give treats to our kids but the entire time they’re eating it be saying to them things like “Well, this is it for the day! You’ve had too much sugar!” etc. They’re eating something, while simultaneously being told off for eating it. It’s our inner conflict in full view. 

I work on this all the time. I try to keep my own internal dialogue from pouring out of my mouth all over my kids. There’s no point in giving them something delicious and then hammering them in a way that makes them believe that they’re wrong for eating it. 

We get to give our kids a flourishing and non-anxious relationship with food, to the best of our ability. 

If you’re going to eat it, enjoy it. 

It’s the food version of ‘If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well.’ 

I often say to my kids — “You are so healthy, strong and resilient… that’s why you can have treats.” 

Whenever I wipe the bum of a poo (which is not often now considering the ages), I say “Wow! What a healthy poo. Your body works so perfectly all the time.”

We forget that the words we speak into them form their mental dialogue. 

Rather than make them judge each and every food they eat, I’ve learned that what I want to do is remind them how amazingly designed they are by God, and that they’re not going to get rolled by eating a Freddo frog. 

Still, it’s important to me that their foundation is good, organic, whole foods so that they are nourished and not burdened. 

This, AND reminding them that because their foundations are so good, we can totally enjoy some treaty treats. 

Of course, if there’s a sicky in the house, we pull the sugar right back. If there’s been too many birthday parties, we take a break from certain things. We get to be relaxed and also knowledgeable and intentional with food. It’s our jobs as parents to care for our kids and this means not being lazy when it comes to feeding them well (don’t at me). 

Anyway, this wasn’t meant to be about kids food. This was meant to be about adults and food. Turns out I can just babble on about just about anything if given the chance. 

The same happy medium applies to us— the long time wellness girlies who care so much about optimisation and vitality, but have gung ho personalities and can go too full throttle on things, ya know? 

There are times for disciplined protocols. But our lifestyle is what matters most— not just on our plates but in our heads. 

We can have all of the right wellness girl things in check, and not be experiencing the vitality we should be. 

I don’t believe that celery juice, bone broth or glutathione has more power than our psyche. I believe that food is medicine, 100%, but that our psyche needs to support the vitality we want to experience. 

I also believe that as women, speaking to ourselves in a loving voice matters. 

If we know that we’re not processing wheat well, then in that moment of deciding whether to ‘just eat it, who cares’, we get to say ‘this isn’t a loving food choice today. Sure, you can eat anything you want you vital, vibrant woman of God you…. But you don’t need to.’ 

Here’s a big thing-- BIG THING to follow on from this. 

Once we get past a lot of our food stuff, we can fall into this trap— “Just because I CAN eat anything now freely and without guilt, I should.” 

I’ve noticed this in myself. I’ll be feeling great, eating a variety of foods, no crazy restrictions (except garbage foods and ingredients that aren’t really foods), but also eating in a way that is nourishing… I’ll have an encounter with a food that I don’t really want, but then something in me will want to prove to myself that I’m still free with food.

You know what I mean? 

Inside I’ll say “Well, if you’re really free with food you’ll eat it.” 

I caught myself do this recently. I can’t remember what the food was. I didn’t want it. The conditions of my microbiome definitely didn’t have me craving it. I wasn’t even emotionally hungry for it. But this voice perked up and said “Well, if you don’t eat it, it means you’re not free with food.” 

Then wiser council stepped in upstairs thank God and said— “ ACTUALLY YOU ARE WRONG. I can eat anything, and I can also choose not to.”

This. This is real food freedom. It’s being free to eat anything and ALSO being free not to. 

We forget this. We start to feel the plethora of anti-diet culture concepts wash over us and we start to mistakenly believe ‘we’re getting sucked in again.’ 

We’re not.

We just don’t want that food. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. 

I can eat anything, including the foods that feel life giving to me. 

I can eat anything, and I don’t need to eat crap just to prove to myself that I’m not participating in diet culture. 

I notice the tone of the voice in my head. 

Discipline can be loving and so can relaxation. 

Once we learn the language of productive self talk, we know when it’s right to savour a big fat buttery hot cross bun, and when it’s not. 

The key is not the food, it’s the degree of love. The question is: Which is more life giving right now? To have this or not to have this?

I wrote a post on this a while back— 

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On this day, the other week, it was more life giving for me to have the hot cross bun. It was more life giving for me to stand strong in the knowing that I am vibrant, vital and alive and a hot cross bun isn’t going to change that. It was more life giving for me to toast it, put butter on it and eat it because then I am satisfied. I won’t be walking by the hot cross buns all day as if they’re a forbidden fruit, wrestling in my head whether or not I should eat it. 

Turned out, after I toasted it, lathered it in butter and prepared to devour it…. I didn’t even want it. 

What I wanted was to know I could have it. 

Because once upon a time, I didn’t believe I could. 

When I have it as I want it, I lose the charge I have around it. I can move on with my day, and my life.

If I’m picking at it, there is something in me that’s wanting to be satisfied— whether it’s physical, emotional or mental. 

I believe in discipline with food and that our foundation and lifestyle matters SO MUCH (have a look at my fridge and pantry and you’ll know). I also believe that there are many things that matter more than what’s actually ingested— our lives and our thoughts about our lives, for starters.

I believe living our most truthful, aligned, godly lives are the key to living at our natural weight and vitality. I believe that our bodies respond to our lives and that when we are right with our days, our true work (eg motherhood, not just career), and our priorities, then we won’t be reaching for stuff that we don’t need. 

I believe that what's even more important to our health than doing everything 'right' according to the wellness bibles is living in full honesty and integrity, and focussing more on the work God has given us than we do on ourselves. I have so much more to say on this point in later entries, because it is EVERYTHING. 

I believe the self-indulgence of the self-help and wellness worlds are making people more symptomatic, because we were never meant to live so self-absorbed. 

I believe that very few of the 28934 fancy supplements we take actually do anything and that we've made 'wellness' a full-time job more so than what's in front of us. 

Here’s something I wrote over a year ago. 

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When we are over-obsessing about food, we are under-living.

When we aren’t plugged into the real source of life force, which for me, is God and the love of Jesus Christ, then I will look for this everywhere else. 

When I am distracted in my purpose and looking at social media more than is healthy, and frazzling myself off my centre, then I will be that ‘picky’ kind of anxious eater. 

When I am plugged in properly, I am replenished and focussed.

When I am scattered and far from God, I search for Him in all the wrong places. 

How we eat is a reflection of how we are living. 

Scattered, picky, anxious, overstimulated, uncentered. Far from God. 

Or

Measured, calm, intentional, controlled, nourishing. Close to God. 

Sometimes, we have seasons of each (in one day, sometimes). 

It’s both. 

God wants us to care for our bodies, to honour them and respect them.

Romans 12:1—Present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.

God also wants us to focus so much on Him, and what He’s placed in front of us as our life, our work, our focus that we shouldn’t ever be worried, anxious or obsessed with food. 

Matthew 6:25-27

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

I have so many theories about women, food and life, and why we naturally lose weight and become vibrant when we’re living right. I’ve shared many of these in past works and now I am going to take time to update them to include God. Before, I used to reference more ambiguous sources of love and authority, ya know? 

May we care for our bodies, treat them well, be self-controlled (self-control is SOOO important to God for us!)…. seek VIBRANCY and ALIVENESS and BEAUTY YES HALLELUJIAH!!! 

Also....

Your life is not meant to be lived obsessing over food. Tend to your health lovingly, but don’t forget that the health of your LIFE and THOUGHTS affects the health of your body too. Don’t forget that the whole point of health, is a more full and vibrant LIFE. 

Pk XX

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And here's a post I wrote about it years ago if you want to have a read.