New internet boundaries- especially for the mums.

Make creating (and consuming) life giving again.

Wow. Have we all caught our breath after last week or what?

I’m not even in America right now, but with 4 of the 5 members of my household US citizens, it still felt like a big week for us. I took my kids to a big shop to get party bag fillers for my son’s upcoming 5th bday party (We’re having a bouncy castle, and for his cake? He wants a stack of 20 cinnamon scrolls on top of each other. It’s gonna be a hoot). 

I was stress shopping for sure. I threw things in my basket that I probably wouldn’t have if it were an ordinary day. A big wooden Christmas Tree shaped cheese board? I’ll take it. In fairness, I would’ve been a sucker for it any day. One thing about me is, my Christmas tree has been up since last week and Christmas carols start in October. 

A couple of nights before the election I had a really big entry ready to share with you here, and it took me many hours to write. I was so engulfed by it that I didn’t rest until it was done. I was distracted by it over dinner, my kids could even tell. 

The post was about my journey from a young woman with leftist views to a mother with more conservative views. I shared background for context— about how my mum and dad were both passionate unionists, and how even my mum as a hard working high school teacher of 40 years, single mum of 4, now 68 year old woman who grew up in government housing— has changed her mind over the last few years (impressive). I detailed a story about living through the 2016 election while living in the USA, and how I had that ungrounded, misinformed irateness that is often characteristic of a woman who had been allowing herself to be manipulated by the media. 

Long story short, over many years my views changed. I woke up to things. I dug into things. I saw things with more discerning eyes because I had children. Also and most importantly, Jesus.

I shared this story on that since binned entry as an account of my personal evolution and to be honest, it was pretty funny. 

Then, at the final hour I decided not to post it. 

It was my story, nobody else’s. It’s my platform, no one else’s. I should’ve felt free to share the story that the world events inspired. But there must’ve been some memories in my muscles that said ‘Uh, nope.’ Call it discernment. Call it intuition. Or call it fear. Given the tenderness of the week, I knew that temperatures were hot and that internet conflict would likely ensue. I know first hand that sometimes, the ‘heat’ of that can be too big a thing for the nervous system— especially when we have little kids who depend on us. Often I feel centred and it rolls off my back. Other times, I become engulfed, heated myself, and just want to engage (and engage). 

Where’s the boundary? 

As one of my fellow Substackers shared on one of my notes this week about an encounter she had with someone, sharing our work online means that we naturally invite discourse. For sure this is true. But we all know that there is a sliding scale for how civil, mature and respectful discourse can be. The internet climate last week was its own beast. 

It was unhinged. 

Hooly dooly. 

I got to experience it first hand after sharing a 5 second reel that said:  ‘Going from almond milk drinking, raging lefty, spiritually all over the place to…. Raw milk drinking, stay at home mum, Jesus loving, conservative who thinks real ice cream is a metabolic superfood is NOT the plot twist 2016 saw coming.’ 

It got me thinking a lot though. 

Where are we able to speak honestly about our own evolution if not on our personal pages?

Isn’t that what our personal platforms are for? Our own story telling? 

Of course it is. 

It’s just that we’ve forgotten (read: the media manipulation is intense and we have an over developed sense of ‘your differing opinion cannot exist and I don’t even want to understand it’).

Many have developed this idea that the people they follow from afar, total strangers mind you, owe them a certain persona or a certain journey. 

Look, I completely understand and acknowledge that last week was a very prickly week and although I am totally appalled at some of the verbiage I’m seeing online, I also won’t poke fun at people who are in a deeply affected place. It’s sensitive and I get that. I get it because it used to be me.

It’s a strange thing— this social media world. We are able to follow people for years upon years and develop one sided ‘social media’ relationships with people we don’t even know. We know parts of them from what we share online, but we don’t know them. In some cases we do develop actual friendships with people online but for the most part, it’s distant and one sided. There is such little taught in the way of emotional literacy when it comes to this. Normally very centred people are lashing out at strangers as if they are owed personal explanations as to why they are not ‘who I used to follow in 2015’, not realising how entitled and delusional it is. 

We have to remember that people online are real people.

They are not talking directly to us when they share on their own platforms. They do not write with the goal of pissing a particular reader off. They are sharing their perspective in the best way they can in the moment. Think they’re totally wrong and it’s your job to change them? Remember this— God has His hands on their life too. Also, PRAY FOR THEM. Why do we think this is a less important strategy than rude and teenage like messages?

Watching last week unfold though, strengthened something else inside of me— the need for us to establish super strong internet boundaries— especially as mums. 

1. We need to develop solid agreements with ourselves with regards to who gets our attention, our engagement, our energy, our life force, when we have little people genuinely RELYING on us for their survival.

2. We need to develop solid agreements with ourselves and be honest about if it’s worth being online AT ALL if we can’t do so while remaining vital and centred for our kids. 

I wrote this and shared it yesterday: 

In a new agreement with myself, I’ve decided it is worthwhile to take some moments as a mum to write…. But it is not worthwhile to stew over the words or to try and micromanage how it is received. Your home can afford a little time for you to write, because it is life giving. But your home can’t afford for it to then carry on taking attention in the morning, at bedtime, while putting a baby down for a nap. Create, but don’t stew. 

Some of us are literally giving more energy to strangers on the internet than to our own kids. This needs to stop. 

I believe there is always room to give time and energy to strangers and that it’s an important part of the love God ordained us to give— particularly in real life and in situations online where you can really help someone. 

So, I’m not saying we become these self absorbed types who say ‘you must pay $89,988 for access to me’. Cos that’s gross. 

BUT YOU KNOW THE DIFFERENCE between when it’s productive and when it is not and we need to ensure that our attention is ORDERED. Loving our family well comes first. Loving the people in front of us comes first.

We have to tidy up our boundaries when it comes to WHO we are giving our attention to and WHO is then not getting it, that SHOULD be getting it (our kids, husband, immediate circle). 

We have no idea how draining it is to engage on the internet beyond what is useful and productive. It can take your entire life from you, day by day if you’re not careful. 

This goes for you if you’re obsessing over strangers online that you don’t know, and that they should be different than they are, or even worse, you’re spending your precious days writing about them in private forums.

This also goes for you if you’re feeling you have to answer to all the things that come your way as someone who shares personal expressions on the internet. 

Use discernment. Engage when it is right to do so, not when it’s the result of your sloppy boundaries. 

If your boundaries are consistently sloppy, I encourage you to see a homeopath and NO I am not joking. One of the remedies I am on now, is helping me balance my boundaries in ways no other therapy or treatment has ever done (and I have done them all). Homeopathy can help you tend to the assaults on your vital force that have you consistently engaging in destructive behaviours— even the most subtle. It is deep and it is layered and I am so excited for it to make the biggest comeback. 

So what will your Internet boundaries look like as both a creator and a consumer? 

First let me remind you of how LIFE GIVING creating is, and how LIFE SUCKING it is to fall into the slums of over consumption. 

Be honest about where it is worthwhile for you to put your creative energy, and put some parameters around it. Do so even when it requires the deepest parts of your discipline. 

For example, when I focus the majority of my precious creative time on Instagram (rather than writing long form or working on a book), I feel like a sugar addict who’s on a little sugar bender. 

There’s always a high and always a come down. 

Then, I feel (thanks to God), tugged back to the long pieces, the stories, the legacy work, the joy and satisfaction of making a body of work and not just a brand. 

Here’s where I’m at.

I want to make legacy pieces.

I want to write in a way that will allow my kids and their kids and their kids to know me after I’m gone. 

I don’t want to live as if my work is emotionally chained to a life sucking algorithm. No. 

For over a year I was publishing weekly without fail. I took a little break when I was pregnant with my third bub, who is about to turn one (WHAT?!)! And now I’m studying homeopathy too. So, I have to be structured with my little windows of creative time. 

Here’s an example of some structure I am playing with when it comes to my creative time — between Substack and Instagram (with three young kids).

• Fortnightly rhythm on Substack (with room for spontaneous posts if I get some hot moments). More focus on long form, even if it takes me a little longer to craft a post. 

• Instagram is somewhere to share little snips of the longer posts and is more of a ‘post and ghost’ situation. My husband always encourages me to be ‘post n ghost’ with insta. We do not have to post and then move in to the upstairs bedroom of Meta for 5 hours.

• Not currently planning to bring back a paid membership but it does cross my mind so we will see. 

This is an invitation for us ALL to re-establish our internet boundaries as both a creator and a consumer. 

On that note, here is something else I wrote last week on the gram: 

Stop chronically overthinking your posts and get back to the innocence of your 2012 insta grid. 

Sometimes what stops me from saying what I really wanna say online is:

— that I don’t always have the capacity in my nervous system to deal with conflict online. 

— I worry that people will misunderstand 

— I don’t need to be on here, is it really worth it? 

When I go to write about raw dairy and how icecream made from egg, cream and sugar is 1000x better for you than vegan icecream made from 7374943 ingredients most of which are gums, sometimes I have in my head alll the people I respect who are in the cleansing/plant based world that I know and love. I wonder if I’ll offend them by evolving my views on food…

It kills my expression. 

Sometimes when I go to write about motherhood and traditional values, I think about all the people I know and love who put their kids in daycare and public schools and wonder if they’ll think I ‘don’t get it’ or that I’m judging them. So I add a disclaimer, and then another one and then….

It kills my expression.

Sometimes when I go to write about Jesus I think of certain people I used to know back in the day, and I imagine them laughing behind and even though consciously I don’t care what they think, if I think of them at all …

It kills my expression. 

Here’s a few things that I know: 

Women cannot afford to carry ‘things on their chest’ chronically. Be online or don’t be, but let yourself tell the truth, at least to yourself. 

Not everything does need to be shared online. Sometimes, you’re right— it’s not for social media it’s for your journal. God is SO CLEAR that we need to be discerning with our tongues. Other times, you’re holding back from saying what you want to say on your platform with your name on it. You do not need to always use your voice, but if you’re going to- LET IT BE HONEST 🔥 Run it by GOD. If this becomes all consuming, there is NO POINT. Get off this app and enjoy life without it!! 

Please, when expressing yourself in a little reel or a carousel, remember that it’s a teeny, glimmering snapshot of your vastly complex human experience. Lighten up. 

Please, when reading people’s posts, read them as the teeny, glimmering, snapshot of a vastly complex experience. Lighten up. 

Now I’ll finish with a prayer : 

God, show me where and how you want me to use my voice. 

Help me be brave and bold even in the face of mass psychosis. Show me where I am engaging from my own wounds or from  the need for adrenaline. 

Help me be as clean and clear as possible, kind but firm. 

Help me know when to speak and know when to not. 

Help me be a calm, sturdy and solid reflection of your truth, beauty and goodness. 

Help me with the discipline on these heated days, to put the phone down and be fully present with the most important duty in my life- my family. Lay your hands over our nervous systems- all of us.

Alright, off to cook some lamb chops.

PK X