I’m fumbling with ‘Less me, more God’

I’m fumbling with it–  ‘Less me, more God’.

I saw these ‘Less me, more God’ words shared today by some friends. They came from the page of a woman named Amy Klutinoty. 

Less me, more God. 

Whether someone is actively following Jesus or not, these words offer a focus for 2023 beyond all of the messages like:

2023, the year of me

Focus for 2023: me.

My priority for this year: Putting myself first.

There have been many years where I’ve resonated with these messages. Put myself first? Yeh! No brainer! Set boundaries, know my truth, follow my heart, put my needs and wants above others because after all, if I don’t look out for me, who will, right? Some of us arrive at this way of operating through trauma, through certain modelling, or through the imprint from society that very intentionally ushers us into a life of consumption, proving, comparing, competing. Some of us simply arrive here because of an absence of God— an absence of a true authority in our lives, that is not our heart, our emotions, our astrology. 

I was talking to our Pastor at church today after his EPIC Sermon. Pastor Matt is high energy and FULL of the Holy Spirit. He’s also a funny Aussie who weaves that very specific Aussie, relatable humour throughout his messages. I sit there engaged without blinking (it feels) the entire time. We were talking about how it seems so many people are finding or re-finding God after years of distraction and exhaustion (which, in my experience can be disguised as exaltation) of spiritual pursuits with less solid foundations. He said to me ‘they’re exhausting because there is no authority.’ He says it with no judgement, but because he’s been there. 

We can feel as if we are free without authority. Like being totally self-led is the ultimate act of freedom. Sure, it is when it comes to over-reaching Governments. But resting into God is true freedom. 

Of course this doesn’t mean we just lay down, pray and live as if we don’t have decisions to make, moves to make, a life to co-create with God— we absolutely do. God created humans, not robots. We are faulty humans. We don’t have everything we need. We aren’t meant to figure it all out on our own. We have a creator. We were created not by science but by God. It only makes sense that we lean our life on Him. 

I have been fumbling in my reconnection with God. 

My Christmas in Perth span me out more than I’d like to admit. 

When I say ‘span me out’, I mean, old thought patterns and triggers got a hold of me and shook me about, throwing me a little off centre. For the last few weeks I’ve felt very fumbly. 

I feel myself leaving an old identity totally behind. I’m not talking so much my identity in my everyday, real and private life. I’m talking about my work, my identity with those who follow my work and my life. This ‘PK’ everyone knows as being *insert whatever we put on our insta bio here*. It’s a bizarre thing, really. The other day I said to my husband “Right now I have no idea what to post, or say. I feel like I’m in between who and what I was and who and what I’m about to be.” 

His suggestion was simple and very manly— Post nothing. 

Good strategy. Actually one I’ve employed several times over the years. If you’ve followed my work for a while you’d have seen me take several 3 month breaks from social media, in which I’d delete the app entirely from my phone. I deactivated Facebook all together over 4 years ago now. 

But, sometimes I struggle with not saying anything. Sometimes I feel caught up in this ‘role’ that I created for myself and that’s been co-created between me and my community. People expect me to share a certain flavour of work and yes although I am not bound by others expectations of me in this instance, there’s a part of me hooked into it. 

I have grown my instagram from scratch 10 years ago— totally organically. No buying followers, no paying anyone to boost my account in anyway. I care about the relationship I have with those who have loyally followed my work and also those who’ve just found it, finding resonance and a sense of home. Sometimes, I feel a little pressure to show up and ‘say something good’, even when ‘what something good’ is, is still being reorganised within me. Maybe that ‘something good’ wants to be ‘something God’, but I’m still letting those right words land. 

I said to my husband also very innocently (feel free to either laugh or find relief for yourself): People expect such deep and profound things from me but maybe in this new season I just wanna be a lifestyle blogger. It sounds sooooo dreamy to just talk about our travels, food and make workouts. 

It’s joy for me and maybe joy is what God wants for me, after years of feeling like so much is more important. 

Does God want all of His children to be preachers? Of course not. Doctors, lawyers, golf players, cafe owners, mechanics, teachers, marketing directors, lecturers, janitors, Mothers, Fathers, embroiderers…. I could go on and on. Maybe walking with God isn’t so much about what he wants me to do but who He wants me to be. It’s very typical me to go straight to ‘Alrighty God, gimme my job!! My super significant job!!!’ Meanwhile, here I am with two kids at home ;) I know that part of the heart surgery I’m receiving is in first removing the old identity, before revealing all that’s new. 

You shall eat old store long kept, and you shall clear out the old to make way for the new. 

Leviticus 26:9-10

The ‘in between’ that I’m in feels fumbly.  

Like, what do I SAY? 

Guys, far out. Sometimes I long to be one of those confident ones who can post a photo of their outfit with a caption as simple as one word. Maybe an emoji or two. Dam. THE FREEDOM! I feel like if I did that, people would be wondering if I’d had my online tonsils removed and would flee in droves. ‘We don’t come to you for your new silk dress and the fire emoji lady. We come to you for a spicy philosophical kick in the butt now give it to us!’ 

This is what I mean— there’s this hook, between me and what’s been long expected of me. Yes, this is a shallow example I’m talking about here. But this total identity shift is challenging for me, it’s taking time, and I feel like I’m fumbling through it. 

I feel lost, if I’m honest. I don’t say that in a hopeless way, I say that in a ‘well, this is to be expected’ way. Last year in June I signed on to completely rebrand my work and also website (I know, websites are so very 2016 now aren’t they?). Right now I’m meant to be writing the content for what will actually be on the website. The team said to me ‘do you need any clarity about what we need before we sign off for the holidays?’. I wrote back ‘Not at all. I’m starting from scratch so what I send you will be very short.’ What do I write? What do I do? Who am I? The thought of a bio is ugh, because it’s all just being made new. At one stage in my life in 2019, I had an illustration as my website— no words. It was because I didn’t have any words. I was awaiting my second child and ‘who and what I was to the world’ just didn’t matter. 

The in between is always a bit awks. 

Will people be expecting me to be writing about Jesus everyday?

Will people think if I post about movement and my devotion to Body Luxury, that I am falling off path? 

Will Christian’s judge me for sharing my love of EDM music?

Photos of myself at the beach…. Ok or not? 

A one word caption. Try hardy?

This seems so superficial, and yet I know you’ll get it. 

This is just a little thing, but it’s a thing I know many can relate to. 

But this walk with God is about….. More God, Less me. 

Less my concerns, less my worries, less my incessant thoughts… and more God. 

This takes practice, and although I have said it about 7 times in this entry I’ll say it again— I am fumbling….

And it is ok. 

In 2023, strap in ladies and gentlemen. I don’t know where my work and art will go, but I can feel in my soul that it’ll be more honest and joyful than ever. It may be the beautiful simplicity and frothy innocence of sharing my joys of motherhood, travel, lifestyle, wellbeing. It may be me setting up may dream wellbeing/lifestyle/cafe space and spending more time with people in person. It may be creating my own movement method and teaching it with absolute bangers/tunes that flick every light in the body on. It may be poems and prose, or my regular spicy philosophical kicks in the butt but with a new flavour…. It may be something stronger and more ‘VROOM’ or something simpler and more innocent than I can imagine. Maybe I’ll stay home as a mum in a new way (I have always stayed home as a mother, but maybe now, with less distraction). Maybe I’ll just…. Write. God only knows. 

All I know is that I’m giving my platform and work over to God. Here ya go, God. Spice it up. Surprise me. Surprise us. Where will we go? What will we say? What will we do? Bring it. 

While I have the feeling that my work will continue to move towards my Body Luxury work…. At this stage, the reorganisation is still in full force. 

I know that walking with God ain’t all rainbows and butterflies. I know it isn’t all joy and no challenge. I know that it’s not without heartbreak and days spent on the knees crying out. Sometimes I wonder if my path will be the most joyful one, what the flavours and textures of it will be. Is ‘joyful’ an ideal that I have, or am I right in my understanding that God wants this for me and us.

God doesn’t want to strip us of joy, but rather show us a more rooted, purified joy. One that is no longer confused for momentary exaltation. It is HARD to give up control. It is hard to not sit at the driver’s seat and declare my preferences boldly as if they’re all that matters. But when I recommitted to God, I had had enough of doing it my way.

I’m still fumbling in between ‘my way’ and ‘his way’. 

And that is totally ok. 

May your year ahead be purified of the distractions that have held your TRUE joy and fulfilment captive. 

May you remember that there is a cushion of deep rest available for you any time of day no matter who you are. 

Here’s to giving it all up for greater re-organisation, redirection and re-purification.

Here’s to one word captions and 7 page deep dives. 

Here’s to our innocence, our joy and the remembering of our resting place when it’s hard.

Lotsa love.

PK. XXX