I just so badly wanted to get it right 'by God'.

I forgot the freedom I was born with. On taking back your creative territory as a mother.

This is a very personal one for me.

From a very young age, as the hyper vigilant eldest daughter, all I have wanted to do is ‘get it right by God’.

Even when I was in my super spiritually adventurous phase when I was subbing in the word ‘universe’ for God, at my core I still so wanted to get it right by the divine order.

The proper correctness of things.

Truth according to natural law.

It was my north star.

It’s a very eldest daughter thing to be oriented towards perfection.

I often wonder if, because my dad did not live with us, if instead of orienting myself around my father’s standards, I oriented myself around God’s and placed them so out of reach.

Achieving was never hard for me.

Getting things done? Piece of cake.

I have always been such a ‘high agency’ gal even from a young age.

I had my own reading box in year 1 because I was reading light years ahead.

My siblings always teased me about how many university graduations of mine they attended (it was only two, but still).

I built an 8 figure (profit) sales organisation in my early twenties despite no young people in my country having done it, and despite enduring a lot of judgement, and very public opinion.

I retired my single mum of 4 from her 40 year career as a high school English teacher and paid off her mortgage in full— it had gotten out of control due to all the times she had to refinance for our soccer trips.

I was speaking about the laptop lifestyle, and living free, way before it was an accepted conversation.

I did things like self published all of my books, and decided not to include fake ass celebrity endorsements in them because they were exactly that— fake.

I just didn’t wait for others to give me permission to do things. I could see the freedom, and I’d move towards it.

This has always come naturally to me.

When I became a mum, I wanted so much to get it right according to this divine order. I home birthed my three babies, breastfed day and night, co-slept and decided to make my home my priority.

I wrote and edit books around my babies. I even went on an international book tour with my first born Sol strapped to my chest (except when I was speaking).

But I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t internal conflict in me.

As the years went on, I was very hard on myself at times.

I had such a vital creative spirit, as all mums have, but at times I believed that because I could be at home with my babies without the financial pressure to earn, that I should cut all of ‘that stuff’ off and just savour the season.

I didn’t want to blow it— the fact I had no financial strain and could turn my back on all public facing life and just savour motherhood and be fully present.

My biggest fear was having my kids grow up and me looking back regretful.

Regretful that I’d gotten ‘caught up’.

Regretful that I wasn’t present.

This conflict was the root of my recurring mastitis. Which, was not fun.

Over the years, I slowly resolved this conflict.

I found resolution and internal wholeness.

I realised that my creative urges weren’t wrong, neither was my desire to use my voice.

I learned how beautifully it fit together with motherhood.

I realised that it was very natural in creating while also being a devoted mum— but I was internally, and constantly thinking about how much better I could do.

Despite being at home all of the time— the one thing making me less present was NOT my creative work… it was my mind. Always overthinking, internally auditing.

Always trying to get it right by God.

As if my Creator wasn’t who gave me my creative ideas, my spirit, my uniqueness, perspective, and complete free will to live according to all of it.

My creativity wasn’t what distracted me, it was the relentless of my mind in always making me believe I wasn’t doing anything perfectly enough. By God.

Some of us set impossible standards for ourselves. We want to be perfect, whereas God made us free.

This is what I want you to realise.

I want you to know that the right use of your creative energy is life giving and God given.

Relentless internal auditing is exhausting.

(I want to make it clear too that I understand not all mums are in the same situation. My mum was a single mum of 4. Her mother was a single mum also.)

Not all mums who have internal conflict around work/motherhood are struggling financially.

Sometimes they’re struggling with their relentless mental activity or things that are very deep and personal.

Sometimes, they’re constantly measuring themselves against impossible standards.

Sometimes, they’re just wanting so much to ‘get it right by God’.

Sometimes, they believe it’s God judging them, their creative urges, their desires.

Sometimes we blame God for why we aren’t doing what we need to do.

We tell ourselves that we haven’t got ‘the nod’ from God.

After I found Christ, which brought me immense peace and freedom, I immersed myself into Christian commentary online.

Some of it was incredibly life giving— some of it wasn’t. It took me a couple of years to discern, and to pull myself out of the echo chamber and to ensure my faith was personal— not performed, not copied.

At times I felt paralysed by the message of ‘deny thy flesh’ and I took it too far. Typical eldest daughter.

I judged every creative urge. Every message I wanted to share. Every curiosity.

I struggled to speak online because I wondered if what I wanted to say would be ‘right by God’.

I forgot that God gave me the gift of my voice.

I forgot that God gave me this life… the childhood I lived, the rough area I grew up in, the eldest daughter of a single mum who is bald headed and tattooed, the natural grit this gave me.

I forgot the unique perspective I was given.

And yes, we are to use it thoughtfully and responsibly especially online….

But shutting it off when we know we are meant to use it?

That is not God honouring.

There is so much garbage, so much devil-working-over-time online and here I was muzzling myself in case what I said wasn’t absolute perfection.

This was not the liberty Christ came to offer.

This email here might have given you what you needed and if so, I’m SO GLAD (in all capitals).

I’d love to know your thoughts in the comments.

If you want more of my story and how I reclaimed my creative territory as a woman and mother— you can go here.

Lotsa love,

PK XX