"Harsh and condescending"

Letting yourself be fully seen will free you.

I got a message telling me this recently.

“You are harsh and condescending.”

I don’t know this person and they don’t know me, so I could easily react by saying something like:

You’re a stranger, you don’t know me

Unfollow then!

Or just secretly eye rolled, clicked on their page and said something judgey to myself like ‘Oh yep, blue hair feminist with 30 cats. Sounds about right.’

But here’s the real truth.

She’s right.

I can be harsh and condescending.

I am an eldest daughter— is anyone surprised?

Here’s what else I am:

Loyal to the bone.

Generous beyond measure.

Relentlessly thoughtful.

Honest and integral.

One of the many things I loathe about the social media dynamics present in our generation is the way we pedestal complete strangers, and then act disappointed when their less-than-perfect sides show.

What? I thought you were a perfect faultless human! I thought I was following Jesus Christ himself! How DARE you reveal a view point, a negative trait, a political stance, an ingredient in a recipe I disagree with or…. Heaven forbid you have a dark side.

I hate to break it to you— but we’re all imperfect. We’re all fallen. We all have judgey thoughts and have to bite our tongue in the comment sections sometimes with the help of The Holy Spirit.

Sometimes I write comments or texts messages and then watch myself delete them because I realise this is not the part of me I want speaking. You know?

Thank you Holy Spirit for sanctifying me, Lord knows how rough I truly am, hehe.

I am naturally hard on myself as an eldest daughter. I am acutely aware of my faults.

So, when people point them out to me, it’s nothing revolutionary.

I also don’t dwell on people’s praise.

I have gone through many years in ‘the public eye’ where I felt I needed to prove how good a person I was. I would make sure people saw how much I donated, how much I cared, made sure they knew that I earned and deserve my success and was still a good person.

The only way out of that game is realising that people will pick you apart regardless of how good you are.

So you might as well stop looking for the approval of people who don’t truly know you.

You might also want to start being ok when people SEE the parts of you that are less-than-ideal, but are really in there, you know?

It’s ok that people see your strange bits.

Last week at Padel, it was super hot. I kept telling the other ladies how we needed coconut water for our games like they had in Bali. I fixated on it, and some of the ladies were saying ‘wow are you still really talking about coconut water?’.

I said ‘yes! And next week I’m going to bring some with little cups so everyone can have some!’.

Today, I rocked up to Padel with two cartons of coconut water and little cups as promised. One woman said ‘oh wow! You really did bring the coconut water! You were really pedantic about it!’. They had a laugh. I felt like a real dork but didn’t care.

I thought to myself— “Now, my Padel friends have seen the part of me that my siblings call ‘on the spectrum’.”

Pedantic about little things (perhaps annoyingly so) but will follow through on the little, seemingly insignificant promises I make to others.

(Note, this does not mean i follow through on all creative projects that I start, but in real life if I tell you I’m gonna do something for you, I won’t ever ‘just forget about it’— ever).

I know who I am.

I know my gifts, strengths and goodness and I also know where I’m still a little bit of a b*tch. You can take the girl out of the rough ‘burbs but you can’t take the rough ‘burbs outta the girl ya know? Well, Jesus can I’m sure but am I sure He doesn’t wanna leave a little in there because it makes me funnier? Surely!!!

Anyway.

I know the things I say out loud and the things I silently wrestle with.

I completely understand that when we follow people for some time, we come to know some things about them.

We don’t know them personally in many cases but we’ve followed them for long enough to actually come to trust them and their work, their integrity, their honesty, their voice.

This is a beautiful thing.

But do we leave room for their less-than-sparkly side?

Do we leave any room for political disagreements?

Do we leave any room for their messy human experience?

Do we leave room for the fact that they are still being sanctified?

We can’t pedestal every day humans. No matter their accolades or their reach or their amazing creative work. It traps you and it traps them.

While it may be very true that they are someone you look up to, trust, and even turn to when you want to be reoriented or corrected…. they’re still a flawed, imperfect human just like you.

I was talking with my friend Nellie the other day privately and she asked me something along the lines of ‘how comfortable are you in people seeing you in other ways— not just the ways you WANT them to see you?”

In all honesty, that question got me excited. I smelt more freedom.

It is freeing to stop trying to control how you’re seen.

I’d argue that it is ESSENTIAL for true, authentic expression. If you are expressing yourself with a certain ‘effect’ or response in mind, you will mince your words, you will slice bits out, you will bend who you are in a way where you think you’re guaranteed applause.

(By the way, Nellie and I also discuss this in the latest podcast here— you’ll love it. The second part is coming on Thursday).

Once you realise that Jesus Christ Himself was misunderstood and persecuted beyond anything we’ve experienced, you realise that it’s a fools game to believe you’ll live a life free of criticism.

Once you realise that people are viewing you through their lens, you stop trying to express yourself while simultaneously adjusting the lens of thousands of people at once.

You have one job— say what is honest. Do it in the most loving way you can. This doesn’t mean you need to sound like a strawberry shortcake by the way. Sometimes my favourite atheist Ricky Gervais speaks more loving truth than Instagram evangelists who are tippy toeing around feelings.

You’ve got to be ok with the fact that you do have less-than-ideal qualities and that sanctification is holistic and ongoing.

You don’t need to wait until they’re ‘gone’ to be seen.

I know that I have times where I speak softly and lovingly and other times where I am direct and ‘harsh’. I know that most of the time it comes from pure love.Sometimes it might come from a sore or unhealed part of me. I do my best to ensure I don’t spray unprocessed stuff over the internet but hey, scraps may get out there.

I don’t see myself as a perfect person.

I don’t see myself as infallible.

I see myself in all of my flaws.

But how do I get my audience to see that too? Do I strap a Go Pro onto my head and show the times I lose my cool a bit at home 1-3 business days before my period arrives? The times I get too caught up in my phone right after sharing a podcast episode about how we shouldn’t bloody do that? The times I have a little whinge to my husband about things I promised I wouldn’t whinge about anymore? Do I make it into a post every time I silently judge someone?

No, but you can bet I am a work in progress.

Still, I can write beautifully. Still, I can speak lovingly.

I know who I am and who I am not. I know the parts of me that are mature and solid and healed and holy and also the parts I am working on so I can be an even better mother, wife, sister, friend and person who shows up for my community.

I am still whole, today.

Please don’t pedestal anyone, ever.

There is no freedom in these hierarchical relationships.

I free myself, by being at peace with who I am. Flawed? Absolutely. Working on myself constantly? Yes. But I am not at war with myself. I am under no illusion that just because I share nice words and sharp messages online that it means I am superior in anyway.

If you are a creator online, free yourself.

Ask yourself this: Which parts of me am I terrified of my audience seeing? What comments am I afraid of seeing? What am I making that mean about myself? Am I ok for my audience to see my less-than-ideal qualities?

Once you can be at peace with the fact that you can be the most kind, generous, loving, well intentioned person who would give the shirt of their dam back and STILL also be a little selfish or judgey or ‘harsh and condescending’…. Then trust me on this, you will be a LOT more free in your expression.

When you can also pay attention to where you pedestal others, you will be a LOT more free in your relationships with those you follow. You won’t have unrealistic expectations of them. You will understand that you do not have the sacred privilege of seeing them at their lowest and darkest times, and that just because they share their work or their ‘highlights’, it doesn’t mean they’re trying to appear perfect.

Pedestalling is lame.

We are all imperfect.

The Holy Spirit sanctifies me every single day and will for the rest of my life.

I hold myself to very high standards for integrity, honesty and love.

Integrity to me means this: I have nothing to hide.

Love Peta XX

Also, Watch Good Women show here on spotify but also you can find it on Youtube or Apple. Soon i’ll start uploading eps to Honeycomb too.